4/9/09
“You Always Hurt the One you Love” is the title of an old pop standard written in the 1940s. The words have become a common phrase of sorts, much like expressions from the Bible (such as “ask and ye shall receive”) and other books, songs and films have worked their way into our vernacular.
The lyrics of that old song can be painfully real for most of us: “You always hurt the one you love/the one you shouldn’t hurt at all.” How true those words can ring. Sometimes we damage the feelings of an individual who’s near and dear to us with poorly selected words, words that a complete stranger would take with a grain of salt.
Those lyrics, however, have an even darker meaning when you view them in the context of one of the worst problems to plague our society: domestic violence.
Domestic violence often is thought of as something that occurs between spouses or domestic partners. But in fact, it occurs when any family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another: when one person hurts someone he or she is supposed to love.
Although an editorial on the subject appeared in this space in January, now seems like an appropriate time to revisit the issue of domestic violence. Because the murders that took place March 28 on Belvoir Road, while not an identical match for the common definition, really was such a case.
None of us will ever understand what would drive a man in his early 20s, even an individual with a criminal record, to attack his family in the manner police allege Kerby Revelus did. But according to reports, Revelus had a criminal record and had punched one of his sisters before. Experts say that there are always warning signs that brutal domestic violence will occur, and that previous incident certainly would appear to be one of them.
Ours is generally a reactive society. When someone is impacted by a tragedy of this nature, we reach out and do everything we can to help them. Two days after the slayings, our Selectmen and other officials were talking about setting up a fund for the family to help with funeral expenses. The employer of the victims’ father acted similarly. Messages of hope and encouragement were sent to the Milton Public Schools, where two of the victims were students. And there were probably numerous random acts of kindness that were never recorded for public consumption. All of this is well and good.
But what we need to do as a community is become more proactive when it comes to recognizing the signs. According to the people most familiar with the issue, there are ways that these incidents can be prevented. There are also a number of organizations equipped to help individuals recognize the behaviors of would-be offenders and closeted victims. Numerous groups also provide shelter and other resources for those who are living in a perpetually violent situation.
As was mentioned back in January, Quincy-based DOVE, or Domestic Violence Ended is a great resource. It’s actually the sole domestic violence agency for Norfolk County. But there are others in and around the Boston area, with Boston’s Jane Doe Inc. arguably being the most prominent. DOVE can be reached at (617) 471-5087 or www.doveinc.info; Jane Doe’s contact information is (617) 248-0922 or www.janedoe.org.
Agencies such as these, which hold educational workshops for volunteers and others, can teach us ways to curb this needless societal ill. We should all do our part. If not, we might be helping to hurt someone we love.

J. Michael Whalen
Editor