By Elliott Topkins, Esquire
1/5/12
Divorces are not sporting events. No one wins; no one loses. Both parties lose, because something which they started out thinking was “forever” has turned into anything but. But one thing you can count on if you have a litigated divorce is that there will be plenty of expense involved, not only financial but emotional as well. Two people who started out adoring each other many times now have nothing but bad thoughts about their mate.

Many times the path of the marriage has been such that there is no alternative but to have one final battle with your spouse, whatever the cost. In an economy where the financial ability to engage in a vendetta of indefinite length of time is rare, the concept of a “mediated” or “self-negotiated” divorce has become a viable way to end a marriage.

The key to a mediated divorce is grasping the reality of your situation. If you are sure you want to end the marriage, you may want to try to accomplish a divorce in a way that does not inflict harm on the other person. If children are involved, working out a “non-litigated” divorce may ease your children’s suffering. If there is some level of trust between you and your spouse, you may benefit from asking a disinterested third party, a trained divorce mediator, to assist you in arriving at a separation solution that takes into account the abilities of both spouses to survive independently.

A large amount of the cost of a “litigated” divorce emanates from discovery. Each side needs to establish, on an independent basis, the financial profile of the other spouse. If you believe that your spouse will not be honest with you about what he or she has, or has secreted assets elsewhere, a mediated divorce may not be possible. If, on the other hand, your problems are not financial, and you have an understanding of what assets and earning power is in the marriage, you can keep your costs down through mediation.

Another positive aspect of mediation is avoidance of pain. Hard fought, anger fired divorces are not good for your health. More than that, a litigated divorce can create scars which will not go away, even after years of being apart. If there are children in your marriage, there is no way to avoid each other forever. You are going to need to attend graduations, weddings, baptisms and the like for a long, long time. Doesn’t it make sense to try to conduct your divorce in a way which will permit you to be in the same room with your former spouse and not feel uncomfortable?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation, please contact me at (781) 849-5906. While mediation may not be for every couple, I have found that couples who try to develop their own way in a divorce and are met half-way by their spouse, can get through a divorce and have a decent relationship with their spouse on a going-forward basis.

(Mr. Topkins is an attorney with Topkins & Bevans, Braintree Executive Park, 150 Grossman Dr., Braintree, MA 02184. His blog can be found at http://realtorsresourceblog.com. His telephone number is 617/596-3184 and his e-mail address in etopkins@topbev.com.)